Porn DVD Review: Curse Eternal

I think I’ve been a little hard on Wicked Picture feature films in the past (see Camp Cuddly Pines Power Tool Massacre and One Man's Obsession) . The reason is that their movies in the past have lacked anal and many of the sex scenes in a particular movie have, in my opinion, been repetitive. There’s also been a lot of terrible (not just bad) acting too, but that’s neither here nor there in a skin flick.

Curse Eternal suffers from those very same issues, but I’ve learned to accept this type of fare from Wicked. Besides, a handful of their films have done really well lately at AVN Award shows, so I figured I must be missing something: maybe couples eat this stuff up, and it’s not meant for single guys like me. So this promises to be a kinder and more gentler review. Nevertheless...

Well, let’s take it from the top starting with the plot. The story centers around a long dead (or buried at least) Egyptian queen/princess - played very sultrily by Kaylani Lei - who is revived from her tomb in the modern world and embarks on a quest to regain her long lost love who has been reincarnated in the present day. Jessica Drake plays an archaeological-type analyst whose father first discovered the tomb two decades earlier. She (Drake) learns about, aids, confronts, and conflicts with the Egyptian along the way.

The Curse Eternal tale is a little hole-ly and you can pick at it at several junctures. Also, a few of the plot points seem a little far-fetched. But much like with the acting - which is atrocious - who cares? It’s porn.

On a positive note, it looks like the Wicked props department went to a lot of trouble to get their ducks in a row. There’s a lot of authentic-looking (I said looking) relics here: from sarcophagi to ankhs to ceremonial bodices. There are a couple of things that look out of place (I don’t remember Indiana Jones going after the Ancient Dildo of the Sphinx…), but I‘m willing to let those things slide. Kudos to the props people for trying.

Big shout, as well, to the cinematographers for the all around production values. The look of the movie, needless to say, is excellent. But that’s what you would expect from the prototypical, sleek porn studio nowadays. The scenery is great to chew up, the lighting is just right, and the camera angles are on point.

But you’re not reading this to hear me talk about all those Oscar Awards category shit. In the words of the immortal Salt-n-Pepa, “Let’s talk about sex...”

The first carnal scene is between Randy Spears and Lei in her character’s tomb. There’s some (cunt) lapping, some (dick) sucking, a little (reverse cow-girl) riding, and finally some doggy-styling (I didn‘t mention the pop-shot, but of course that goes without saying. :)). It’s solid scene, nothing over-the-top, which is what you would expect for a lot of opening trysts. It’s early yet. By the way, if you miss any or all of this scene, relax because it does replay itself later on.

Next we have Eric Masterson and Drake on an apartment couch. Let’s see, we have - and stop me if you’ve heard this before - cunnilingus, fellatio, regular girl-on-top, and hitting-it-from-the-back in that exact order once again. She does stick her finger in her ass (more on that later), which is a little different (I’m scrambling here, folks). And Drake is nice to look at in her bra and panty set, so...no worries, mate.

Scene3: Masterson and Lei in the desert. Okay, now I’m worried. It’s at this point in my viewing that I started thinking that Wicked is doing in Curse Eternal that repetitive-sex-scene thing throughout the entire movie; just like they did in Camp Cuddly Pines. I’d tell you what happened in the scene, but you can just read either of the previous two scene descriptions (minus the cunt-licking part).

The next sexcapade features Chris Cannon and Lei in a lab setting. (*Sigh*) This scene is beyond pointless. Remember what I said about not fretting in case you missed the first scene? Well, here’s your chance to see practically that exact same scene again - position for position and prop for prop (right down to Lei leaning over her sarcophagus just so). To quote a popular saying, it’s like déjà vu all over again: just slap Cannon’s face on Spear’s body and call it a night.

Before I go on with the rest of the scenes, I have to say that I mention the locales of the scenes for a reason. When I review a movie, I usually don’t mention where sex takes place unless it helps you better visualize or get a better sense of how raunchy (or not so much) the sex is. I mention the places this time to see if the reader would get the same sense of repetitiveness I got when I watched them. For some reason, Wicked thinks it can just change up the settings and mix-and-match the male and female sex partners in its movies and voila!, entirely different scenes. I ask, wouldn’t you be pretty much bored with the sex in Cursed Eternal by now?

Cut to a couple of mini-trysts in a bar/nightclub men’s room, where Keri Sable blows Barrett Blade until he cums. It’s not much, but at least it’s different and it’s over relatively quickly. Then, finally, a little light at the end of the tunnel as Lei eats Sable out and tongues her ass in the same venue.

Next comes the scene that makes the movie: an orgy involving about nine people. Actually, you get two orgies spliced together (I’m not going to give you the how-tos and the whys of the situation, just trust me on this) that go back and forth between the bar/nightclub setting and a place outside under the hot Egyptian sun.

In the former place, there’s Brad Armstrong, Kris Knight, Gia Jordan, Ice La Fox, Kelly Kline, Lezley Zen, and Drake. The latter locale has Armstrong, Joey Ray, La Fox , Eva Angelina, and Drake. In my opinion, the inside orgy is hotter because
A. more people (duh); and
B. sex in the anonymous club atmosphere and under that kind of strobe lighting screams debauchery.
Nevertheless, you can’t lose with either half (for lack of a better word) of this scene.

A little off the beaten path here: It’s funny how that works that an orgy is always the best scene in a movie (and not just in Curse Eternal). Why? The reasons are that if you don’t like the way one girl looks, you can wait for one that suits your fancy to come into the picture; also, if you’re not into what one couple (or trio) is doing, just look over in the corner and you just might like what another couple is doing. And if you’re a fan of everyone and everything, visual sensory overload is a damn good thing. It’s true what they say: the more the merrier . (Note: this axiom doesn‘t apply when running the same tired scene formula over and over again.)

This time I’ll leave all the juicy sexual details of this entire get-together, which I usually describe, for you to find out by yourself (besides, I don‘t want to be here all day). All I will say is this: for the last couple of Jessica Drake‘s movies that I‘ve seen - including her earlier scene in Curse Eternal - I’ve seen her stick her finger in her butt. And I’ve wondered aloud why she just doesn’t do anal and be done with it. Let me just say, after this scene, it’s about time!

That’s the only true anal in the entire movie, by the way. Like I said before, there-in lies one of the problems I have with Wicked’s pictures. The thing is when there’s no anal, that wipes out 3 or 4 other things from a film’s sexual repertoire like DP (double penetration), double anal, ass-to-mouth, and “air-tight.”

Then follows a very competent lesbian sexcapade which includes Alyssa Knight, Tiffany Taylor, and Tory Lane on (what appears to be) a floating bed. Tits get sucked, pussies get licked just right, there’s some mutual masturbation, somebody gets the finger (a couple of fingers, really), and a good time is had by all. The next thing you know, they break out The Twin Bejewelled Dongs of the Sun God (or something like that), and Lane takes each of them in a lower hole. I myself think lesbo sex is a little over-rated, but there’s no denying how hot this particular scene is. So if you’re into lezzies, this scene is a can’t miss.

The very last scene takes place outside of the tomb of the Egyptian queen/princess (I still forget precisely what role Lei plays). It has Lei, Drake, and Masterson. Even though this is FFM (female-female-male) sex, it plays just like the third scene; only this time Drake rides reverse cow-girl while Lei takes it doggy-style. After the build-up of the previous two or three scenes, this one just seems like filler material. If the producers of the film were adamant about leaving this scene in, they might’ve gone on and taken one or two (on second thought, let’s make it three) of the earlier scenes out.

The bottomline is, if you don’t want to feel like you’re “cursed” or like you’ve been watching this two-and-a-half hour movie for an “eternity”, skip to the latter half of the movie (part 6 to be exact, according to the Curse Eternal DVD menu) and watch that half first. Oh well, so much for the kinder, gentler approach...

Curse Eternal
Official Movie Site