Porn DVD Review: Collision Course

Usually, when I review a movie I don’t like to start right on in with the complaints. But this time I’ve decided to get all of my beefs out of the way early and save the best - all the positive things, of which there are a lot - for last. First of all, the music in Collision Course is brash and annoying and has to go. They crank the music way up at

the beginning of each scene for about the first 3-4 minutes. And even though they slow it down to a quiet roar as the scene gets going, it’s ever present in the background. Sometimes in porn movies I wish they’d just get rid of the background music altogether. I prefer to hear the smacking of lips, the moaning, the slapping of flesh against flesh, etc.

And what is up with all the color coordination? It’s all well and good for a woman to look nice, but why did Briana Banks’s and Tera Patrick’s bikinis have to match their boots and (gulp) eye make-up and - in some cases - their vibrators? You never realize how bad all that color coordination can be until the color in question is purple or dark blue or black. I mean, purple mascara just looks freakish.

On a postive note, and while I’m on the subject of looks, the blond thing really suits Briana. She looked okay with the red hair in a recent movie that I saw, Last Girl Standing, but she was born to be a blonde.

Collision Course reminds me of a Star Wars episode: every where you look in this movie it seems there is always something new to see. For example, have you ever seen a girl fucked up against a palm tree? I didn’t think so.

Another case in point: this movie was shot on the grounds of a house that seems to be way up in the hills. Not being familiar with California, I couldn’t tell you the exact location, but the vistas are great to look at just the same. To see the ocean in the distance and to look down into the lush green valley and the to peak at the clear blue sky…In certain shots it looked like the actresses were in space, that’s how high they were, and how lacking there was of any scenery at their eye level.

Basically , every scene is shot outside. So I hope you like outdoors sex.

Collision Course is a gonzo production (no plots or storylines whatsoever). That being said, you would think (at least I would anyway) that the movie’s producers would let the action build up before pitting the two stars (Tera and Briana) either in the end scene or as close to the end of the movie as possible. But no, they waste no time getting the two together. In the opening scene, the two gang up on Dillan Lauren in what I can only describe as a molestation. Guys in the real world go to jail for a very long time for shit like this.

Somehow (wink, wink) the girl gets tied up to a lounge chair by the pool, then they let those two loose on her. As I watched, Dillan reminded me of a roman prisoner in a coliseum before, while, and after the lions are released. And Briana with that sex-raving, maniacal gleam in her eye is just frightening. Poor girl never has a chance. :)

In the next scene, Briana and Ben English get it on on the front steps. She licks man-ass, (like I hinted at before) English fucks her in the ass up against a tree, Briana emits that yelping cry that she has; it’s all good.

Then comes Tera and hubby Spyder Jonez, a situation that I once said before lends itself to boring matrimony sex. At this point during Collision Course I was thinking it’s all going to be downhill from here: we (the viewers) have already seen the two stars of the film “collide.” Moreover, we’ve seen the energetic Ms. Banks in a boy-girl scene. But surprisingly, the Patrick-Jonez scene is not as bad as I thought it‘d be (and the movie takes an upswing later on, as I‘ll describe in a moment). I don’t know why, other than the fact that I may have just been horny at the time and anything would have turned me on when I was watching the scene. But seriously…

Now as you know, usually the camera(s) does not focus on the guy in a straight scene. And let me tell you, in this scene, you really appreciate that fact. I ask you, Is it possible to get any more tattoos on one man? Just the shots of his left hand on her body is distracting enough. It’s not just the fact that the back of that hand is totally covered, it’s the specific tattoo that‘s bothersome.

Why is this scene better than previous Patrick-Jonez sex in particular, and hubby-wife sex in general? Because, A, there’s a lot more oral. Patrick does a lot of what she does and loves best, which is fellatio, while Jonez bends her legs over her head and eats her out good and proper. He even pokes her in the ass (with his finger) while he’s eating her out for good measure.

B, Tera looks hot in her bikini and in her clear fuck-me heels which she wears into the scene; until the bottom of said bikini is removed and shoved into her mouth. So you don’t even mind (much) the whorish navy blue eye make-up. (Guess what color the bikini is?) And the third reason that this scene is atypically hot as far as Patrick-Jonez / married couples go is just the fact that it is, like I said, shot outside. Correction, it’s shot outside on a mattress, but hey, it’s a start.

So not only do you get all this other stuff to spice up an otherwise boring married pornstar sex, you also get one of the great things - which happens more times than not - about this brand of sex. The woman swallows! Way to go, Tera.

And by the way, is Tera going to be doing anal soon? The reason I ask is in her scenes, there are about 3 to 4 occasions when she takes a finger or dildo or tongue in her ass. Now in each instance it isn’t for a long time, but still, maybe she’s prepping for the day when she will one day do anal. One can only hope...Every other girl in Collision Course takes it up the butt though, whether that “it” is a dildo or a penis.

Enter Vanessa Lane, Otto Bauer, and Benjamin Brat for scene four. They start off normal enough. There‘s some kissing and some dick-suckin‘, followed by some single and double-fuckin’ (double penetration); with some ass-to-mouth thrown in for effect.

Then things start to get interesting. All three do dp standing up (something I‘ve never seen). From there she somehow winds up on her back, with both legs to the rear, each tricep touching the back of the corresponding knee, and her ankles crossed at some point 6 inches above her head (picture it). The next thing you know she’s literally bending over backwards to please these guys: she stands up and arches her back all the way until the upper half of her body is upside-down. All of this while sucking a mean dick and taking it in the ass.

And to top it all off (no pun intended), the position-de-resistance is...No, I’ve said too much already. I’ll let you discover that position on your own. Let’s just say the position involves a partial hand-stand. Needless to say, this entire scene of Collision Course is a definite must-see.

Ever wonder why guys who watch lots of porn get jaded and expect all sorts of sexual gymnastics from their significant others? Look no further than this scene.

The last scene is just Tera and Briana, (wo)mano a (wo)mano. The scene is hot and not just because it’s great to see two porn super-stars go at it. Even if these two were relative nobodies, the scene (and scenery) would stand on its own merit. However, it’s just more (or should I say “less” since they’re a girl short?) of what you saw in the first scene, and it‘s not as hot as the latter. In the end, both Banks-Patrick scenes provide nice bookends for the very competent and impact production that is Collision Course .

Collision Course