Porn DVD Review: Camp Cuddly Pines Power Tool Massacre

I watched Camp Cuddly Pines Power Tool Massacre (that’s a mouthful I will not be saying often) the first time and I thought it was kind of below par. I mean some of the sex scenes are good (and I’ll get into that a little later), but something was missing. Then I realized that I had built up such unrealistic expectations concerning this movie and how it would play out, I just didn’t get it.

First of all, there are so many porn super stars in Camp Cuddly Pines, the cast reads like a who’s-who of performers on the list of “people who do not have a Vivid contract.” So right off the bat, I was thinking, “The more big stars, the merrier.” But alas, that wasn’t the case (at least it wasn’t in my first sit through): a truth that even mainstream Hollywood studios recognize.

Second of all, I expected Camp Cuddly Pines to play out as a straight horror film along the lines of Friday the 13th . The problem is the performers are porn actors and they don’t have the chops to play the roles straight-laced. So they can’t accurately portray the fear, rage, frustration, and (momentary) relief of people in their unique predicament.

So I watched the whole movie again and tried not to take it so seriously. Better…

And that’s how you have to take Camp Cuddly Pines - like a pornographic version of the movie Scream. You know, suspenseful but campy (not a pun at all) all the same. As a matter of fact, the movie spoofs several horror movies and genres from the 70s, 80s, 90s, and the new millennium. So if you’ve watched any decent amount of modern slasher/horror flicks - as I have - you’ll be able to pick out those mainstream movies that “inspired” the movie’s makers. Even if you don’t know specifically what horror film a particular scene is sampled from, in the back of your mind you‘ll be thinking, “This setup looks kind of familiar…”

But really, the characters have sex at the drop of a hat even in the most grisly of atmospheres. So what the heck was I thinking taking the movie so seriously in the first place? When you take Camp Cuddly Pines in a not-so-serious context, certain performers actually shine in their roles.

Randy Spears gives, hands-down, the best performance. He plays an over-the-top hick policeman whose been called in to investigate mysterious goings-on at the camp. Now that’s how you act in a campy horror film!

Porn legend Mike Horner plays the resident horror film character who is, although very weird and creepy, basically harmless. Or is he (*suspense music plays*)?

And Stormy Daniels plays a ditzy blond chick who prances (actually, the correct word is “bounces“: check out those boobs, man) around as clueless as all can be in her short little skirt, her tight little sweater, her 6-inch high heels, and with her baby-doll golden locks. I kind of wished they shot most of Camp Cuddly Pines in broad daylight so that I could have seen more of her. But, that wouldn’t have made much sense for this kind of movie, would it? :)

The movie is kind of long for a porn feature film: two and a half hours. The ten - count ‘em 10 - sex scenes (interwoven with the plot, of course) might have something to do with that. The movie producers could have pared that number down to a manageable six or seven, given the fact that most of the sex scenes are basically the same - other than the locales, of course.

When I review a movie, I usually go through every sex scene, giving the highlights of each. But, to avoid repeating myself and being redundant (did you get that joke?), I’ll just describe the framework of a typical tryst in Camp Cuddly Pines now, and point out the better scenes by name as I go.

Basically, your typical scene involves a blowjob, followed almost too quickly by either regular cowgirl or (mostly) reverse cowgirl; throw in a doggy-style every now and then for some variety. The next thing you know, here comes the pop-shot. Don’t any of the male talent in this movie eat pussy? And what happened to the anal? I have news for you folks, there’s almost no anal in Camp Cuddly Pines - it’s barely there.

The first sex scene is good (as most initial scenes in skin-flicks are. You‘ve got to grab the viewer from the start. ). Daniels, Tommy Gunn, Jessica Drake, and Voodoo hook up in two two-somes in the back of their schlepping van. There’s just something naughty and hot about sex in a van. Besides, there’s not that many positions you can do in a vehicle other than cowgirl and missionary anyway, so this scene gets a pass somewhat.

The third scene in Camp Cuddly Pines involves Manuel Ferrera who is “attacked” (*guffaw*) by four female mental patients (don’t ask): Rebecca Luv, Katja Kassin, Taryn Thomas, and Rita Faltoyano. Poor guy winds up stacking the girls on top of each other (again, watch the film), but manages to do them all right in the end. You really ought to see a guy shoot cum onto four women kneeling in a semi-circle in front of him. It’s like a 180-degree lawn-sprinkler system.

And speaking of “doing them in the end,” I was shocked that not one of the girls take it up the butt here. As a matter of fact, the moment I saw my girl Katja, I felt almost sure that there was going to be some anal. Imagine my shock and dismay (*laying it on thick*) watching the scene end with no anal! I practically flew of my jerking-off lounge chair screaming, (*laying it on even thicker*) “This is an outrage!”

That being said, this is still the best sex scene in Camp Cuddly Pines. Here’s a case where the more-equals-merrier axiom actually applies.

There’s a scene in the movie where actress Cherokee plays a, um, Native American spirit. (And how long did it take the movie’s casting director to fill that role? Two seconds? :)) It would have been tres cool if the makers had left her “aura” around her for her whole sexcapade with Gunn. Oh well…

Fast forward to the final sex scene, which I only mention to make a point. When Keri Sable and Eric Masterson get together, he dps (double penetrates) her with his own dick and a hand-held jelly dildo. That, my friends, is the extent of the anal in Camp Cuddly Pines. And really, she takes a dildo in the butt so that only counts as half an anal.

So, basically there are ten whole scenes in the movie with only half an anal. That’s one of the reasons I wouldn’t give this movie a better review; the other reason being the lack of female stimulation (read pussy-eating).

Because for the most part, the girls are all gorgeous (again, a special shout out goes to Miss Daniels), and there’s more than enough saline and silicon boobage to go around (enough to make both an ocean and it’s beach jealous). And most of the starlets - and men too - deserve hazard pay for all the rough locales and natural habitats that they have to have sex on. They’re having sex on the floor of the woods, on a rock, on the top portion of a well built of blocks (although, if you watch one of the many Camp Cuddly Pines Power Tool Massacre - 3 DVD Box Set extras, the commentary tells you that the well-top is a fake).

Don’t you agree about the hazard pay? No? Oh well, fuck it. They have sex for a living, that’s compensation enough...

Camp Cuddly Pines Power Tool Massacre